There has always been chaos in my head. There were very few rare moments where there was little chaos in my head, but during those times, there was excessive chaos in my life. I suppose Life has decided that this time, I'm well-equipped enough to handle chaos in both my head and my life.
Something's gotta give eventually, though.
So, it's me. I've been crying every night and at least a few times a day since I found out my friend died. A dam has broken.
Tomorrow afternoon, I will attend her funeral. I will cry again, along with a bunch of other people. And then I will hold it together again while I am in public, until I am behind closed doors, where I will probably cry again. And again. And again.
Until I start to forget to cry. Until I start not thinking about her so often. Until the grief has changed from a sharp stabbing pain to a dull ache. Then I won't cry as much. Then I will smile more.
Until I stumble across her name on Facebook. Until I get lost in our text message thread. Until I see something she gave me that I'd forgotten was from her. And then I will shed a tear, I will maybe weep a little, but I won't get lost in days or weeks of grief again.
At least... I hope.
I have to find some way to calm the chaos in my head, because the chaos in my life is not settling down anytime soon.