Wednesday, November 1, 2023


 One day, I'll get around to telling the whole story, but for now, I just want to write about how much I love these people and what they each mean to me.

Soulmates, if you will.

I firmly believe that there can be more than one soulmate for every person in the world. I met one of mine in April of 2018, and another a month ago today. Those people whose soul whispers to your own and says, "I'm home...I'm here...remember me?"

I've written fictional stories about soulmates before, and never finished them. I think a soulmate's story is never done. Each soul piece travels around the galaxy ad infinitum until it meets up with the other pieces it was seeking, to make the souls whole again. I don't know that I'll ever finish writing those fictional stories, or that I'll ever be able to do them the justice they deserve, because even fictional souls are precious and special and deserve to be treated as such.

I believe that every person I interact with deserves respect and love until and unless they show me otherwise. Those who show me the most respect and love get the most respect and love back. Those who do the bare minimum will often get the bare minimum in return. I do this out of self-preservation, and to keep my heart from getting broken by people who won't treat it properly.

There are a handful of people who have proven over and over they will treat my heart with the dignity, respect, and love it deserves. I hold these people close and try to maintain relationships with these people above all others because I know they will be the ones picking up the pieces when I fall and break apart if I were to allow someone who isn't good for me to inch into my space.

P has been a part of my life since I was 17 years old and she was 14. She has been my closest confidante for many years, and stood with me through thick and thin. I love her like crazy and she is my best friend and my platonic wife. We spent three years at arm's length from each other when we each went through a rough patch, and came back together closer than ever.

D came into my life late one night in April 2018, and I haven't missed a day with him since then, whether we communicate via text or see each other in person.  We have had our ups and downs in our relationship, but he has stood with me through transitioning from identifying as a cis woman to an agender person, and hasn't wavered in his support of me at all. He is the best man I know, and I am proud to be his nesting partner.

R1 came into my life on the second anniversary of my mom's death, July 10, 2023. I have a very strong affection for them, and spend at least a few minutes talking with them every day. My days don't feel complete unless I've talked to them... There is so much more I want to say about them, but haven't got the guts to say it to them yet, so best not to say it in a public forum first.

R2 has been in my life for one month today, since October 1, 2023, and I am thrilled to call her all mine. She is the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, generous, and giving woman whose company I have ever had the pleasure of enjoying. We click on so many levels and vibe together in so many ways. We just mesh so well together, body, mind, and soul. I'm proud to call her my penguin princess, and proud to be her cupcake. 

K is someone who I'm feeling out, but who has definitely stolen a piece of my heart, if not been a magnet for a piece of my soul. When I lashed out in front of her, she took it in stride, and we talked it out like adults after some time, and we're still friends. I'd love to (and plan to) continue exploring our friendship as we have been, and see where that takes us.

All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well on the avenue of quality of love surrounding me. Quantity is plenty, too. My soul feels more full with every connection I make, even if it's not as lovers. I believe that some of our soulmates are our best friends, and they don't have to also be our lovers.

Sometimes, the closest people to us are not our lovers. P knows more about me than almost anyone - I can't think of anyone who might know more besides D, but P knows more about my past and D knows more of my present. I want both Rs and K to be that close to me. I want to get to know all three of them that well, too. Since all three connections are fairly new, I've been taking my time and getting to know them each as individuals, as well as in group settings. So far, everybody who has met has jived well, so I'm glad for that. I tend to attract pretty easy-going folks around me, so it makes sense for everyone to get along, anyway.

Compersion is, basically, the opposite of jealousy. It's feeling good for your partner when they're with their other partner(s). I've been feeling such a weird mix of compersion and jealousy all at the same time lately, but only in specific circumstances, which are rare. Since they're rare, I don't know if it's worth doing any self reflection into it, or if just acknowledging those circumstances will cause me a bit of jealousy and doing the necessary self-care when those circumstances arise will be enough. I suppose it's always worth doing self-reflection when a feeling is affecting life to any degree.

The vast majority of the time, when I know my partners are with their partners, I feel intense compersion for them. I'm happy for them that they are with people they love. The only times I've felt jealousy have been when I've been sharing physical space with partners and their partners. It hasn't happened every time, or even often; in fact, it's only happened once, when I was having a rough night to begin with. I could have, and should have, made it known that I needed extra attention. Instead, I just got upset and made things uncomfortable for everyone. I wallowed in my emotions for a while, and have come to the conclusion that I need to grow up and deal with the fact that my partners are going to show affection to and spend time with their other partners as well, and that's okay. That's not only okay, that's A Good Thing. They deserve to have the same variety in their loves as I enjoy, and I don't get to hold them back from that just because I'm an attention whore. And I get to enjoy showing affection to the people I adore, too.

I guess the bottom line is that I have made a variety of connections over the years, some more recent than others, and my heart and soul have never felt more full to bursting than ever before. Whenever I think about spending time with these people, my heart flutters, and I get excited just to be around them. I can spend hours just sitting beside them, talking, listening to music, looking at pictures or memes or videos. I never get bored with any of them. In fact, when I'm bored, I reach out to them to relieve my boredom. I would love for all of them to remain in my life in some capacity permanently, whether in their current capacities or in some morphed manner, however that may be.

I've lost friends and lovers who held a piece of my soul through circumstances beyond anybody's control. It's all made an impact on the shape of me,  both spiritually and physically. I'm nothing like the person I was 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago, except in the vaguest of shapes and forms. My former self feels like a ghost to me at times, haunting me at the strangest of times.  Other times, it feels like an old friend, visiting me for coffee and reminiscing about good times. I guess it's really dependant on when and who the memories were made with. Some memories will just never feel good, no matter how much time passes. Others... others were formed to feel good from the get go. Those are the ones I cherish the most. Those are the ones that patch up the holes in my soul. Those pieces of my soul that they held never really leave, even when we part ways. We retain a piece of each other across the years, regardless of the relationship we had prior to the split, and when those good memories crop up, they soothe the burn left from the bad ones.

Souls are precious and special, and soulmates are special to locate throughout our time on earth. Who knows where our souls will end up next? Hopefully all of those who are connected here will find each other wherever it is we go from here.

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