Saturday, January 6, 2024

On Love

 When I last checked in, my life was a little different. Just to recap, I did not manage to patch things up with the person I let down, who had previously been referred to as R2 in my Soulmates post. We broke up,   and K and I got together. K is also D's girlfriend, so the three of us are a triad together, and this week, K moved in with D and I.

R1 (furthermore to be simply referred to as R) and I also became an item on New Year's Eve, and I am possibly the happiest I have ever been.

When I spend time with my loves, my heart soars to heights I never thought possible. I asked P today, "How can one heart hold this much love and still beat?" It doesn't seem possible, yet here I am, madly in love with three people.

The first time each of them kissed me was electric.

Holding each of their hands feels like magic.

Being held by them all makes me feel safe, warm, and loved.

I don't want this to ever end.

Please, never let this end.

Saturday, November 4, 2023

Feelings & Puzzle Pieces Redux

I feel sad tonight. I’ve let down someone I love, and I’m not sure how I can fix the situation going forward, because it is going to happen again - I sleep a lot on my days off; it’s my time of rest after a long week. Unfortunately this has led to someone important to me feeling neglected.

I have hope that we will patch things up in the morning, but for now, I’m having all kinds of feelings - sad, guilt, anxious, upset that I’ve upset someone I love. I know that realistically, I am only human, and I am doing my best with the capacity I currently possess. But that doesn’t make me feel any less guilty and sad for having hurt this person. 

I’m not used to causing distress to people. I try very hard to be a caring person at all times, and offer as much compassion as I can.

I used to be a very broken person. I don’t know how I did it, but I don’t feel as broken anymore. I feel more whole now than I ever have before. Like I’m only missing a corner piece or two of my puzzle or a few less important inner pieces. Enough that you can get a pretty good picture of me without too much issue, but it would still be nice to get those missing pieces put in place. 

Some people are important pieces, whether we know it or not before they enter our lives. Once they’re there, though, it’s hard to deny how well they fit, and how much better the overall picture is with them in place, because yes, you can look at and appreciate an unfinished puzzle, but the more pieces there are in place, the more magical the experience of unlocking the full image. 

Once you’ve seen the full image, the puzzle as a whole, it makes you want to glue the pieces down and keep them in place permanently. Unfortunately in person puzzles, the pieces are memories, people, and experiences, and can’t be glued down. Nothing is permanent. However, we may find new pieces to fit the blank spaces left behind. 

Friday, November 3, 2023

Bodily Stuff

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I'm shocked at what I see. This body doesn't look like what I feel like inside. On the inside, I feel like a slim person, but I have a bulging belly, thick thighs, wobbly arms. All the things that don't feel like home to me.

At my highest, I was over 400 lbs. I was raising two small kids, and it took me 15 minutes to walk the short distance to the corner store (less than two blocks away, no streets to cross). I hated making the walk. I did it as seldom as possible because it always turned into a 45 minute to an hour affair.

Over the years, I lost weight and gained weight and lost weight again. I hovered around 300 lbs for a long time. During COVID, I gained some again, and topped out at 357 lbs. When I look in the mirror, I still see that person sometimes, even though so much has changed in the last 3 and a bit years.

Right before COVID hit, I was referred to the local bariatric clinic to see about having weight loss surgery. My referral finally came through in August of 2022, and I started down the road towards surgery. During the wait for the referral to come up, I started on a few different medications, and lost about 120 lbs. I bounce around now between 220 and 240 lbs. Still in the obese category, but far smaller than I used to be, and that same walk that used to take me 15 minutes would take me 5 minutes when I last took it. We moved out of that home just over two years ago, and the corner store shut down during COVID due to non-payment of rent, so it's now a whole new entity.

At roughly 230 lbs, I am still considered obese, and so I am going through with weight loss surgery in the spring or early summer. My goal is to have lost another roughly 50-90 lbs and had skin removal surgery by the time I'm 50. I want to be in as close to my ideal body by then as possible.

Thursday, November 2, 2023

A Collection of Schtuff

This is a mish-mash of old poems, commentary, and other crap thrown in. 

 Love is like Pi: Natural, irrational, and very important.

You can't rely on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. We need to get our imagination in focus in order to fully see everything as it's meant to be seen. Creativity takes courage, and courage isn't always a roar. Sometimes it's a quiet whisper that says, "We'll try again tomorrow," and then rests when needed.

Not Done Yet

Way back when --


It seemed as though

Life would never

Catch up to me.

It felt like I was 

Always going to

Come in second place

To myself.

Things that weren't

Really there...

People that didn't

Really care...

It was through

Pure stubbornness

That I persisted,

That I'm still here.

Those things still

Haunt me,

Permeate my


Still, I shove back

And resist the urge.

Life is not done with me


May 10, 2018 - 12:29 am


Heath thumping

Blood pumpking

Stomach churning

What's burning?

Head swimming

Thoughts brimming

Threatening to overtake

My mind

Can't think

Can't move

Can't breathe

Can't improve

Must remove

This feeling





But it always






May 10, 2018


How can I maintain

this facade

that I present to the world?

How can I keep up

the smiles

without cracking at the seams?

The hard shell I built

over the years

is cracking --

fracturing --

and I don't think it will last

much longer

I don't know if I will be able

to pick up the pieces.

The cracks are spiderwebbing,


working together

against me

May 10, 2018


If only you knew what makes me tick

perhaps we'd tick along together

If only you knew the inner workings of my mind

perhaps we'd share each other's thoughts

If only you knew what soothes my soul

perhaps our souls could dance in sync.

If only you knew what makes me tingle

perhaps we could trace each other's contours.

What wakes me up?

What makes me close my eyes?

What makes me curl my toes?

What would it take to get me to moan your name?

If only you knew which buttons to push

perhaps we would be spectacular lovers.

If only you knewMe.

May 11, 2018 - 11:47 pm

The Art of Love-Making

Cotton on my back

Air on my front

A whisper of a breeze slips across my flesh

His hand glides up my thigh

Past my waist

Along my torso

And rests on my breasts,

Gently kneading

His knees spread my legs

I gasp involuntarily as he presses into me


Carefully pushing forth deeper

Until I'm taking all of him

My body craves him,

Wants him closer

His hands wander away,

Finding purchase on my hips

He pulls me onto him

As I push against him.

His hands slide inward, and he finds

My magic spot

Soon, we are both spent

He slides out of me and I left with

Air on my front and

Cotton on my back

May 13, 2018 - 11:53 pm

I look back at these poems, and I don't remember writing them. These were written when I first got together with Dawson. We'd been together 2-3 weeks, and I was very much in my feelings.






Oh, so slowly

Anticipation building

Until suddenly we reach

The very tippy top of the ride

And crash back down

Faster every second







We start

Back up the

Next hill,


The peak in record time

And we slide down

Once again



May 14, 2018 - 10:47 pm

Am I simply smitten?

Is this infatuation?

Or could this be the real thing?

Can't get him out of my head.

Can't get That Word out of my head.

Heart goes pit-a-pat every time I see his name

Stomach flips and flops

Head swims

When we're together...

I just want to hold him

Be held by him

Be with him

And I'm almost certain

He feels the same.

Should I be the first to break the breach?

Should I break my own rule?

So very tempted

Just don't want to get hurt.

That is my only hesitation.

The unending "what-if's".

How will I put my puzzle back together

If it falls apart again?

Pit-a-pat, flip and flop, swim away...

Is this love?

Or am I delusional?

May 24, 2018 - 3:46 pm

I’m nearing tears…

Am I too attached?

My heart aches when I

Think about you with…

Well, anybody else.

Tonight is hard,

And I don’t know why.

A simple comment,

Made in jest,

Is weighing on my mind.

I want to hear your voice

When you reassure me.

Reading it isn’t good enough

This time.

August 8, 2018 - 8:08 pm

Sometimes when I look at old poems, I'm stunned by them, and wonder how I could write something so good. Others, not so stunned. Well, stunned at how bad they are. Not everyone can be good all of the time, I suppose, and I'm no exception to that rule, that's for sure.

I want to be high, but I don't want to be high. I want to sleep and not think and just be anywhere that doesn't feel right now. New relationship energy is hard for me, and really fucks with my heart. I would love to go straight into a stable, established relationship, where I don't feel like I'm doing things wrong or making missteps, but I know that's not reality, and every new person is different and will react differently to different things. I just don't know how much my heart can take. I feel just like I did 5 years ago.

Wednesday, November 1, 2023


 One day, I'll get around to telling the whole story, but for now, I just want to write about how much I love these people and what they each mean to me.

Soulmates, if you will.

I firmly believe that there can be more than one soulmate for every person in the world. I met one of mine in April of 2018, and another a month ago today. Those people whose soul whispers to your own and says, "I'm home...I'm here...remember me?"

I've written fictional stories about soulmates before, and never finished them. I think a soulmate's story is never done. Each soul piece travels around the galaxy ad infinitum until it meets up with the other pieces it was seeking, to make the souls whole again. I don't know that I'll ever finish writing those fictional stories, or that I'll ever be able to do them the justice they deserve, because even fictional souls are precious and special and deserve to be treated as such.

I believe that every person I interact with deserves respect and love until and unless they show me otherwise. Those who show me the most respect and love get the most respect and love back. Those who do the bare minimum will often get the bare minimum in return. I do this out of self-preservation, and to keep my heart from getting broken by people who won't treat it properly.

There are a handful of people who have proven over and over they will treat my heart with the dignity, respect, and love it deserves. I hold these people close and try to maintain relationships with these people above all others because I know they will be the ones picking up the pieces when I fall and break apart if I were to allow someone who isn't good for me to inch into my space.

P has been a part of my life since I was 17 years old and she was 14. She has been my closest confidante for many years, and stood with me through thick and thin. I love her like crazy and she is my best friend and my platonic wife. We spent three years at arm's length from each other when we each went through a rough patch, and came back together closer than ever.

D came into my life late one night in April 2018, and I haven't missed a day with him since then, whether we communicate via text or see each other in person.  We have had our ups and downs in our relationship, but he has stood with me through transitioning from identifying as a cis woman to an agender person, and hasn't wavered in his support of me at all. He is the best man I know, and I am proud to be his nesting partner.

R1 came into my life on the second anniversary of my mom's death, July 10, 2023. I have a very strong affection for them, and spend at least a few minutes talking with them every day. My days don't feel complete unless I've talked to them... There is so much more I want to say about them, but haven't got the guts to say it to them yet, so best not to say it in a public forum first.

R2 has been in my life for one month today, since October 1, 2023, and I am thrilled to call her all mine. She is the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, generous, and giving woman whose company I have ever had the pleasure of enjoying. We click on so many levels and vibe together in so many ways. We just mesh so well together, body, mind, and soul. I'm proud to call her my penguin princess, and proud to be her cupcake. 

K is someone who I'm feeling out, but who has definitely stolen a piece of my heart, if not been a magnet for a piece of my soul. When I lashed out in front of her, she took it in stride, and we talked it out like adults after some time, and we're still friends. I'd love to (and plan to) continue exploring our friendship as we have been, and see where that takes us.

All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well on the avenue of quality of love surrounding me. Quantity is plenty, too. My soul feels more full with every connection I make, even if it's not as lovers. I believe that some of our soulmates are our best friends, and they don't have to also be our lovers.

Sometimes, the closest people to us are not our lovers. P knows more about me than almost anyone - I can't think of anyone who might know more besides D, but P knows more about my past and D knows more of my present. I want both Rs and K to be that close to me. I want to get to know all three of them that well, too. Since all three connections are fairly new, I've been taking my time and getting to know them each as individuals, as well as in group settings. So far, everybody who has met has jived well, so I'm glad for that. I tend to attract pretty easy-going folks around me, so it makes sense for everyone to get along, anyway.

Compersion is, basically, the opposite of jealousy. It's feeling good for your partner when they're with their other partner(s). I've been feeling such a weird mix of compersion and jealousy all at the same time lately, but only in specific circumstances, which are rare. Since they're rare, I don't know if it's worth doing any self reflection into it, or if just acknowledging those circumstances will cause me a bit of jealousy and doing the necessary self-care when those circumstances arise will be enough. I suppose it's always worth doing self-reflection when a feeling is affecting life to any degree.

The vast majority of the time, when I know my partners are with their partners, I feel intense compersion for them. I'm happy for them that they are with people they love. The only times I've felt jealousy have been when I've been sharing physical space with partners and their partners. It hasn't happened every time, or even often; in fact, it's only happened once, when I was having a rough night to begin with. I could have, and should have, made it known that I needed extra attention. Instead, I just got upset and made things uncomfortable for everyone. I wallowed in my emotions for a while, and have come to the conclusion that I need to grow up and deal with the fact that my partners are going to show affection to and spend time with their other partners as well, and that's okay. That's not only okay, that's A Good Thing. They deserve to have the same variety in their loves as I enjoy, and I don't get to hold them back from that just because I'm an attention whore. And I get to enjoy showing affection to the people I adore, too.

I guess the bottom line is that I have made a variety of connections over the years, some more recent than others, and my heart and soul have never felt more full to bursting than ever before. Whenever I think about spending time with these people, my heart flutters, and I get excited just to be around them. I can spend hours just sitting beside them, talking, listening to music, looking at pictures or memes or videos. I never get bored with any of them. In fact, when I'm bored, I reach out to them to relieve my boredom. I would love for all of them to remain in my life in some capacity permanently, whether in their current capacities or in some morphed manner, however that may be.

I've lost friends and lovers who held a piece of my soul through circumstances beyond anybody's control. It's all made an impact on the shape of me,  both spiritually and physically. I'm nothing like the person I was 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago, except in the vaguest of shapes and forms. My former self feels like a ghost to me at times, haunting me at the strangest of times.  Other times, it feels like an old friend, visiting me for coffee and reminiscing about good times. I guess it's really dependant on when and who the memories were made with. Some memories will just never feel good, no matter how much time passes. Others... others were formed to feel good from the get go. Those are the ones I cherish the most. Those are the ones that patch up the holes in my soul. Those pieces of my soul that they held never really leave, even when we part ways. We retain a piece of each other across the years, regardless of the relationship we had prior to the split, and when those good memories crop up, they soothe the burn left from the bad ones.

Souls are precious and special, and soulmates are special to locate throughout our time on earth. Who knows where our souls will end up next? Hopefully all of those who are connected here will find each other wherever it is we go from here.

Monday, August 14, 2023

Love In All Its Glory

 On April 27, 2018, I met a man who would become a huge part of my life. On May 22, 2018, we became a couple. On August 4, 2019, he moved in with me. We spent the last 5-ish years building a relationship, nurturing each other, learning the ins and outs of each other, and falling ever deeper in love.

But there is some back story.

In my marriage, back in 2008, we explored opening it up so that I could find a girlfriend, because at the time I identified as a bisexual woman, and wanted to explore the woman-loving part of my identity. That blew up in my face in a bad way, and scared me off of trying that again for a long time.

But in January of this year, I got to craving a woman's touch. I thought about it for a long time, and I realized that my partner, Dawson, has just as much love to give as I do to other people, and so I presented the idea of polyamory to him - each of us exploring relationships outside of our own relationship.

8 months later, and we both have an additional partner, and our communication has gotten better recently than it has been in the last few years. Other things have improved greatly, too, and I feel like this was the best choice for our relationship. I love hearing about the time he spends with his partner, and how they get along, and he asks about mine, and how we get along. I'm still looking for a girlfriend, as my other partner is another man, but it's harder to find a girlfriend as a non binary person than it is as a man or woman, it seems. Or maybe just harder cuz I'm fat lol I am talking to an awesome agender person, though, so I'm not absolutely married to the idea of a "girl"friend, just a non-cis male partner would be nice for a change.

So, yeah, that's how we started exploring polyamory. Monogamy is great for those it works for; it just doesn't really make sense for us anymore.

Indi 💙

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

A new poem


like nails in my coffin

this woman

this girl

this lady

when will it stop?

I am not what they think I am

despite this woman’s body

I am not a woman

nor am I a man

I am something transient

in between


yet both

like a shot to the gut




those aren’t my words

they feel like tacks on my tongue

call me




those give me comfort

those feel right

those are my words

© Indigo Fable Wren – June 17, 2020 – 7:54 am